Adoption: Success Is Theirs, But Failure Is Mine


When I partied and drank a lot as a teenager, that was because of my flawed DNA.

When I graduated high school with a 4.0, it was because of all they had provided me.

When I struggled with depression into my early 20s, that was because of the screwed up genetics my birth family passed on to me.

When I got a university degree with distinction, it was because of their parenting.

When I started calling them out on their abuse, it was because I was crazy and screwed up.

But when I was a pretty little princess putting on piano recitals, I was perfect and just how they made me.


The funny thing about these dynamics in adoption is that it’s always the adoptee’s flaws or successes that are under the microscope; my actions are the ones that are either up for grabs to claim as theirs, or something to discard and blame on my inherent defectiveness.

It makes me wonder why the same game of taking credit or placing blame (whichever appropriately serves their ego) doesn’t get applied to them.

Sexual abuse, for instance.  Was that in their DNA?  I’m guessing since the name of the game is “Make Us Look Good At All Cost”, that one would be sure to go in the “Nothing To Do With Us And Let’s Ignore That One” pile.

So what about narcissism?  Control, manipulation, and an obsession with an outward image that is nothing like the dysfunction that rages inside…  I’m guessing that one would be put aside in the “Not Our Fault” pile too.

How about the do-or-die need to cover up all of these issues and never deal with them, allowing them to take over like a cancerous tumour that eventually kills the body?  That certainly isn’t a tendency in my genetic makeup, so is it in theirs?

All of a sudden the game isn’t as fun anymore, is it?

No wonder they told me not to talk.  I think another flaw of my genetics is that I don’t take to lying, manipulation, or control very well.

My bad.

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